This blog will examine the situation of the ever escalating issue of slave labour within Chinese factories.Where do you want to go today? If you're a highly paid executive of Apple, you probably wouldnt want to be anywhere near the factories where work is outsourced to.
The iPhone 4. Quite possibly the most popular selling smartphone in the modern day electronics market. With this great technology, there is a story in a land far from the inventors of its creators. With more than 10,000 units needing to be produced per day, this sort of demand can not be achieved in America. This link here summarises some of the main reasons for why large American manufacturers outsource work to China.
Troy, troy, troy. What have we here .
ReplyDeleteActually, it's pretty good :). The body of your blog is a nice, simple series of arguments against the treatment of workers in these factories, and follows a logical sequence of reasoning. Excellent.
The introduction is ... less excellent.
Firstly ... where is it? Remember, an intro is supposed to say what you're going to say. you haven't actually stated what you believe, what you will talk about later on.
That second paragraph is a good opening pair of sentences, but you need to follow it up with "... When you discover what goes on in those factories, you wouldn't either" or something else like that. Something to join it up with your (missing) topic statement.
The topic statement, then, is something like this: "The millions of outsourced workers in China are mistreated by their foreign employers and ignored by everyone else, forced into a life of ..." etcetera etcetera. Maybe not so melodramatic, but nevertheless something that says to us "I believe that this is shocking and terrible and should be stopped" or whatever your message is. It doesn't have to be complicated; in many ways clearer is better.
I would also suggest that you could put that last paragraph first of all, i.e. state what outsourcing is, then state why it is a problem.
Just a small thought or two. :D
Oh, and say "The iPhone 4 is quite possibly..." It's simpler and better grammar.
ReplyDeleteJust read it through out loud to yourself. That's a good way of picking up any bad grammar or weirdness that you could miss reading it silently. It's what I do, anyways.